I realized these were all the snapshots which our children would look at someday with wonder, thinking their parents had lived smooth, well-ordered lives and got up in the morning to walk proudly on the sidewalks of life, never dreaming the raggedy madness and riot of our actual lives, our actual night, the hell of it, the senseless emptiness.
— Jack Kerouac, On The Road
Figuring out what the edge of yourself is, and how long you’ll be there is a complicated question. At one point the edge of myself, working on a company straight out of school, left my only meals to spaghetti twice a day and coffee. A malfunctioning heater in my Red Hook apartment. Trying to push through stagnant numbers. Out of money, and cold. We broke.
My apartment was completely white. To the point of clinical. I would lay on a yoga mat with my laptop. Pounding my head against a wall. Then staring at myself in the mirror, trying to see through something that didn’t feel there. Not talking to anyone for weeks. Then going to parties with just enough on my metrocard to get home, struggling to make conversation.
I stopped the machine, and so I sank. And as I sank, I found a new edge. One that was rooted in solitude. Equally clinical in setting, but perhaps it was a new room. Or maybe I was simply searching for a new room. My spirit on this edge was no longer fantastical, but rooted in frustration for meaning. For a month I meditated several times a day. Seeking a new edge, to swallow my current sense of place.
This time around the pain was longer, but it wasn’t suffering. I chose not to suffer. I lasted longer. I thank my time on all of those previous edges that allow me to be at my current one. Because now, I can pull from those old points — they now live at the center. From which we all draw from for strength. And as we push towards new spaces, we hope the well grows deeper.
As this year nears its end, I’ve been reflecting more and more on that winter 2 years ago. And my relationship to my previous self during that time, what it means for my current journey.
We seek new edges, because we hope it’s the next center. All artifacts are fighting for the center. The mistake most people make is directly attacking the core. But the current core is already on its way to becoming nostalgic.
This is why competition is stupid. To be competitive is to acknowledge a player’s current power as future power. Thus relinquishing yourself to having none but that which you can potentially steal. When you should be generating something new. Outside the operating scope of competitive players.
The act of building a group, is the act of delineating differences from the current core. Groups are always exclusionary, or else it is simply part of the crowd. It is the intention of the group to establish new directionality. The wider awareness of the group’s existence, ripples through the crowd. There is either attraction, or expressed rejection. If a group on the edge has properly broken from the crowd, there are no neutral feelings.
A group has failed when its primary purpose is a reference to already establish scale of other beings. Full stop.
The new Lauryn Hill song brought me to tears.
What does life become when you objectively release a perfect album. And then refuse to release new music. Except for a single for a film or appear on a feature here and there.
Everybody, everybody wants to know
Where you're goin' to, 'cause they wanna come
Or so they think until they find the cost of it
'Til they find out, find out what you lost for it
And I'd do it all again
'Cause I found love
'Cause I found love
Off The Dome
Recently it was the 59th anniversary of Ruby Bridges desegregating an all white school in New Orleans. I find it to be an incredibly important reminder to all Americans how recent this history and pain is. It’s also incredibly hopeful to all Americans that within this time we had a black president serve two terms.
My brother was telling me to listen to Baby Keem for weeks, and I finally did. After my 4th listen through, I realized the structure of the album moved similarly to DAMN by Kendrick. But it was clearly new in energy and style.
At a party a friend and I started to talk about an element of escapism urm’s embrace through exceptionalism in a capitalistic society. AND DID THAT SEND US DOWN A RABBIT HOLE. Might have to be it’s own newsletter subject or recorded convo.
Brockhampton show was insane.
I don’t do edits really, so excuse typos and things that don’t make sense.
Thanks so much for giving me your attention. I hope it was worth it, if not… unsubscribing will not hurt my feelings, and will give you back time you literally cannot have back.
Much love.